Brainfarts

Some artsy music videos can be found on this site. I like this one.

But this is a lot cooler.

This is a cool little tool. Track popular pictures over the past week.

10.) Swelling music.

Feel-good movies are the chief offenders here. At the most climactic point of the movie, the music will suddenly jump in and play these amazingly heroic, striding melodies full of triumphant horns and operatic “I can’t believe it’s not butter!” refrains. Despite the fact that I can be suckered in by these moments, they always smack of cheap manipulation.

9.) Bait and switch

Usually, these scenes involve many government/mobster goons searching fervently for the hero. Then suddenly, they find him – he’s in that car! That car over there! Get him! But after a long, drawn out chase sequence we discover that it’s not actually the hero but (oh yes) that goofy side-kick with a silly grin on his face. Gosh, we’ve all been duped! How clever the hero is to have such loyal friends! (This will be the side-kick’s only significant contribution to the advancement of the plot and we will never see him on screen again.)

8.) Oh my fucking god

So, this is the sort of thing that happens in those horror movies where the girl is in the bathroom, usually naked, and she goes to open the medicine cabinet to get something out like sleeping pills and then she shuts the cabinet and oh my fucking god you can see in the mirror that there’s someone standing behind her who wasn’t there a second ago. This is usually accompanied by out-of-nowhere “now you’re fucked” jeopardy music.

7.) Random death followed by maudlin burial scene

Does this movie have an old person in it? Like a father or a grandfather or maybe a great aunt? Guess what, she’s going to die. And even though she’s had maybe 5 minutes of screentime, we’re going to spend another 10 minutes watching people go to a funeral and watch the same God damn “standing over the coffin” eulogy sequence. And maybe there will even be a confrontation right there, right at the burial!

One exception to this rule: If the confrontation turns into a running cemetery gun battle, all is forgiven.

6.) Restroom confrontations

Oh, I’m sorry. I totally didn’t expect to run into YOU here, in the restroom, where I go to pee and poop! What a coincidence! Wait, are you going to pass on some threat to me while we wash our hands and stare at each other in the mirror? Maybe we can do some close-up shots of my hard jawline and we’ll both sling off some really cool one-line zingers. Wow, you have to admire our resolve!

One exception to this rule: If the confrontation turns into a restroom brawl a la Casino Royale, it’s OK. Well, James Bond still sucks. But it’s OK.

5.) Creepy writing on the wall

Writing on the wall – in blood. Or etched into wood. Or magically appearing in the steam on a mirror. What does it mean? No one knows! But you can be assured of one thing: It is the key to why the house is haunted.

4.) The car chase that lasts forever

Enough said. The chief offender here is Ronin. The entire 2 hour movie consists of nothing but people driving cars down freeways in the wrong direction. Don’t believe me? Watch this clip seventeen times in a row. It’s the exact same thing as watching Ronin. There is only so much you can do with a car chase. Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. (Well. Usually.)

3.) I love you

Attention Movie Directors: Any scene involving the phrase “I love you” is not allowed to go on for more than 60 seconds. Period. You are allowed a grand total of one of these scenes per movie. You are not allowed to accompany this scene with swelling music.

If the scene ends in a loving embrace, the only way to save the movie is to immediately have one person stab the other person in the back. I don’t care who. Just do it already.

2.) Flashback magic

Oh wait, didn’t you notice John Travolta walking down that staircase? Didn’t you see that he never got on the helicopter in the first place? Didn’t you see? Look, I’m showing you how it happened in this flashback! How could you have missed it? … Oh wait, I guess I didn’t show you this particular footage before, did I. Well. I’m showing it to you now. … Isn’t this exciting?

1.) The suspenseful, interleaved race-against-time sequence.

Come on, come on, let’s download this file. Download download download. Oh shit, the police are coming! Holy mother of god, will the hero get out of the fucking office before the police arrive? Will he? Oh man, here come the police! Oh man, it sure is taking a long time for that file to download. If the police catch him in the office, he is doomed! Fuck fuck fuck! Oh shit, here come the police! HERE COME THE POLICE. THEY ARE COMING UP THE STAIRS. OH GOD, THEY ARE AT THE OFFICE DOOR. THEY ARE COMING INTO THE OFFICE.

Oh, the hero isn’t there anymore. Wow he’s smooth!

Every once in a while you have a day where you encounter far more awesomeness than rightfully belongs in just one blog post. Today was such a day. However, as a testament to how much I love my dear readers, I’m defying all that is right in the world to bring you the following:

The world’s worst Mario level

World War II robot battles

AND

A German forklift safety video

Enjoy!

普及した要求によって、今日本語のメッセージを掲示できる。 (将来、逆さまの日本メッセージは可能。である)

This is the most genius flash game ever. If you can get through all the levels and achieve the large winnings, you won’t be disappointed.

I’m sure by now you’ve all encountered this video in one place or another. However, in case you haven’t I believe it is my duty to ensure that you see it now.